A Major Cause Of Relationship Problems

We all know that relationships are very challenging. 52% of married people reach their 15th anniversary and only 33% reach their 25th anniversary.

I have been counseling individuals and couples for 40 years and I believe that I have discovered a major cause of relationship problems - if not THE major cause.

Simply put, each person makes the other person responsible for his or her feelings and then tries, in various ways, to have control over getting the other person to behave in the ways she or she wants.

When most people get into a relationship, they tend to believe that this person whom they love will finally make them feel safe, secure, adequate and lovable. Because most people do not know how to make themselves feel safe, secure, adequate and lovable, and because many people came from families that did not provide this, they each believe that it needs to be provided by the other person.

The other person might try very hard to provide this. Imagine that you have a partner who is very kind and caring. But imagine that you are very critical of yourself. While your partner's caring feels good, as long as you are judging yourself, you will feel bad. No matter how much your partner loves you, as long as you are being unloving to yourself, you will not feel safe, secure, adequate and lovable.

However, you might not realize that your feelings of insecurity, anxiety, or fear are coming from your own thoughts. You might think that you are not happy because your partner is just not loving you enough. As a result, you might try various actions to try have control over getting the love you want - such as getting angry, blaming, or giving yourself up. The act of trying to control your partner only adds to your own bad feelings.

Meanwhile, your partner is likely doing the same thing - trying to get you to make him or her feel safe, secure, adequate and lovable. But when you try to control your partner and your partner tries to control you, you both end up feeling worse. One or both of you might go into resistance, withdrawing to protect against being controlled. When one person withdraws to avoid being controlled, the other person might feel even more abandoned, trying even harder to have control over getting the love you want.

As long as you each make the other person responsible for your feelings, you will continue to create a relationship that doesn't work.

The way out of this - the way to break this codependent system - is for one person to start to take responsibility for his or her own feelings. It really just takes one person to break the unloving system that both have established. When you begin to notice the thoughts that create your fear, insecurity, and feelings of unworthiness and unlovability, then you can start to learn to heal the wounded part of you that is critical of you. As you do your own inner work and learn to love yourself, you stop being a victim. You stop blaming your partner. You stop trying to control your partner into making you feel loved.

While there is no guarantee that your partner will also make changes, there is a good possibility that when you learn how to make yourself happy and take the pressure off your partner to do this for you, he or she might be interested in doing this as well.

Whatever the outer problems are in your relationship - sexual issues, money issues, parenting issues, chores, time, and so on - the underlying issue not taking responsibility for your own feelings. When you decide to learn to do this, you may be thrilled with the results!

Loving Mother And Motherly Affection

In life, we generally come across various forms of relationships like Father-son, husband-wife, love, friendship etc but the most dearest and hearty relation of all is of a mother and her child relationship. The bond of mother and child is purest and holy. Mother is next to GOD. She is the Gem who knows everything. A warm and affectionate touch of mother will give you immense pleasure and you will feel as you are in heaven.

The relationship of a mother and a child carries deep emotions and feelings within it and it is always nurtured by love, affection and care. Mother is the one who gives birth to the child, bought him up, support him when he need someone the most, guide him in taking right decisions, stand against crowd and favors his child if he is right, always stands behind her in his thick and thin, biggest sharer, suffer a lot of pain from the time of birth of a child till he become adult but never expect anything in return. Whenever you feel sad and tensed, she will embrace you and all your worries will come to an end.

The most respectful and adorable person on this earth is "Mother" Even if you will fight with her, argue with her, pour you anger on her; she will forgive you for everything with a gentle smile on her face and without thinking for a second. Is there any relationship better than this relation where there is no ego, no fears, no hard feelings, just the feeling of love and affection? In today's generation people get so much busy in their lives that they hardly find time for their mother, they don't even remember the things she has done for them to make their life smooth and comfortable. A person should always remember the efforts made by the mother for his betterment and should give utmost respect and care to his mother, as she really deserves it. He should let her mother know what she mean to him and she will be the most happiest person on this whole world.

We celebrate mother's day once in a year but tell me, do we need any special day to show our gratitude to our mother who has devoted and sacrifice her whole life for us. If should make her feel that she means world to us each day that will be true gift to her.

If you really want to express your love to your mother, don't wait for long now and don't hesitate, go to her and give a hug and tell her "Mother you are next to GOD, thanks for everything you have done for me. You are the best person on this whole earth and I really mean it, you have serve your whole life for us and you deserve the best of everything. I love you mother"

You can also express your feelings to your mother in some different way. You can take the help of poems and quotes easily available on Internet, which will help you in expressing your feelings in better way. Dedicate the poems to your mother and show your respect, affection and gratitude to her and you will see she will keep on smiling.

Cheating Signs: Is Your Guy Faithful?

It is quite normal for a human being to be attracted to another person of the opposite sex, other than one's significant other. What is beyond normal is if one will entertain this attraction. The ratio of men to women is one is to ten. This simply means that there is a thousandth percent chance that the man will dump the girl. Unfair, indeed!

No wonder why there are many cases of infidelity that eventually lead to divorce. Surveys show that there are 12,326,369 women who have filed for a divorce. That is 3,294,269 less than the number of men who have filed for a divorce.

What do these figures mean? It could lead from one reason to another, but one reason could be the infidelity of most men.

Hence, if ever you are suspicious about your husband cheating you, ponder on many things. But this does not necessarily mean that you are sharp on trapping him doing the act because you cannot simply confirm your suspicions based on your husband's actions or deeds. But you can keep a close watch on these signs:

1. More vain

Men are known to be relatively vain about themselves too. But if he becomes too vain than usual, that is definitely something to keep the wife's eyes open.

It would be better for a woman to keep her senses working properly if he starts to work out, fashion conscious, and takes time to smell really good.

Psychological studies confirmed that people would usually respond to the way their body reacts on something that they like. Hence, if a person is having some special interest on another, the normal thing to do is to make a good impression so as to attract the other person.

2. Playing hide and seek

A woman can tell that her man is cheating if his work routines were revolutionized. He has more over time work than the usual and more frequent, and yet he remains nowhere to be found whenever you call his office and check on his whereabouts.

3. Traveling maniac

He suddenly likes to travel more than the usual. Usually, he would tell you he has some corporate seminars and it so happens that the schedule is always on weekends.

4. Great big spender

He is splurging more on money; but is secretive on where the money goes. He would instantly keep his financial records locked up in a safe place, and when you start rummaging into his things, he gets offended.

Some personality traits studies reported that people who are guilty of doing something become more defensive than they are before.

5. Internet addict

When a married man logs to an Internet dating site, no one asks permission slip from his wife. This can be pretty dangerous because there are sites that even offer cheaters advice on everything from how to deal with guilt to how to avoid being caught.

Hence, a married man who uses the Internet repeatedly and is enigmatic when he logs on is a good sign of cheating.

According to one study, 30% of married chat-room participants later met up in person with their chat partner. It is a slippery slope and many real-life affairs grow out of this.

6. Schedule master

He is more concerned about your timetable. He would ask you over and over again about your whereabouts than before.

7. Too edgy especially on the phone

Every time the phone is ringing, he flies his way to get the phone. He habitually talks in a lower voice than the usual or locks himself up in a room to continue talking with the other person on the line.

8. Inefficient performer in bed

He has more lame excuses of not wanting to have sex. His performance in bed diminishes, or worse, had gone.

9. Too hot to handle

If you ask him about his whereabouts, he gets cynical. He will even accuse you of nagging and being too nosy.

10. Clean or dirty?

He suddenly wants to change into fresh clean clothes and takes a shower as soon as he arrives home. He makes it a point to change into something and smell differently on an instant.

Given all that, you can now have a clear picture of what your husband has been doing all this time. However, the choice you have to make whether you have to do something about it now or you have to get more clues will all depend on you.

Just keep in mind that choosing whether you have to stay and hold on to the chance that things might change and get better will only prolong the agony. If you really want to straight things out, talk to him. Just make it sure that the conversation will be subtle and calm. You will never get any farther if you will start blurting out your pains and sufferings.

The key here is to deliberate meticulously on what to do next after all of the cheating signs have been clear and apparent.

As one woman has stated after she found out that her husband has cheated on her and still continues to defend himself, "I may be old, but I am not dead. God knows what is right and what is wrong, and in the final analysis, he will reward the just, and punish those who deserve to be punished."

Locking Out Emotional Baggage

Getting into a relationship is like baking. The recipes are prepared, baking instructions at hand, and the first attempt begins. However, it did not turn out exactly as what is expected out of the whole baking experience so there's a second attempt. Recipes are carefully selected, steps to baking are learned by heart, and the second trial happens. Still, it is not as good as it can be, but surely better than the first. The third experience is easier but there's more hesitation. It could be that the feeling of insecurity and disappointment is more prominent than the longing for the cake.

Decisions of the heart are sometimes the most difficult to make. It is nightmare for some and definitely not a bed of roses for the others but still they find ways on how to make things easier to live with. The problem with some is that they judge other people based from their past bitter experiences.

Falling in love, getting hurt then loving again is a cycle as well. People learn from past mistakes and these shortcomings are used as guidelines on how to try to perfect the next relationship. For some, recovering from a break up or marriage separation is easy, but there are some who find it hard to get by and what keeps them from moving on are the memories they carry with them.

Such memories are what others know as emotional baggage. The pieces and small bits of the past linger on. They are like packed winter clothing and personal effects taken into a trip in Hawaii, not needed but the person can't get away without them.

But what specifically are samples of emotional baggage?

- Old pictures of being together
- Tell tale stories that is played over and over again
- Common friends
- Places that could be a reminder of the person
- Songs that make them cry
- Communication with the other person's family
- Gifts from the other person
- Self-pity (nobody will love them again, she's not worth it, falling in love will mean getting hurt again)

These things smash up the remaining confidence and strength of a person who has been hurt from the past relationship. Dreams have been torn apart the world stopped evolving for sometime. The hope of getting back together with the person who caused the pain is normal, but never helpful. It will not lead a love life that is longed for and not successfully attained from the previous relationship. This is the time when it is so good to remind the person that his or her world could have evolved in him or her, but remember he or she is not the whole world. There is so much to experience out there and his/hers is just a part of the most promising things that is yet to come.

Love can mean kissing different frogs along the way. Five to six month is enough to sulk over a break up. Loss of self-esteem is the alarm clock. Once this sounds, there should not be a snooze button, rather, get up and bring one's-self together back. Start eliminating broken memories by throwing or burning pictures, gifts or anything that is a reminder of the past. Cut all communication with his or her family members in the most civil way. Because if this is continued, there can never be peace of mind. Show friends that everything is all right now. This will keep them from mentioning the past in the most awkward moments. And last but most importantly, get that confidence oozing again.

Use the past as a challenge and a stepping-stone instead of a barrier to a happier next relationship. Learn to laugh again, hey! It's all part of growing up. Be happy for what happened as this makes a person more mature and perked up. Move on and start making plans for the future again. It may not be a totally different plan, just a new way of reorganizing the ways to keep dreams come true.

Put every emotional baggage out of the closet, out of the bag, and out life. Start picking up the pieces and be ready to meet the frogs again.